"You Aussies..."

As I return to New York from a blazing summer in Australia with bushfires burning out of control across much of Tasmania and NSW, I ask myself, what is it about Australia and Australians that is so hard for Americans to work out? Is it because we are from "down under" and that seems so remote that we must be a different species? Or is it because we have weird animals that hop instead of run, using their tail for balance? Is it our accents? Our desire to take more than 2 weeks holiday every year? Jealousy of our beaches? Fear of our top 10 poisonous snakes?

Don't get me wrong. I love living here and I love (nearly) every American I have the pleasure of meeting. But after 2 weeks in the laid back, happy, uncomplicated place I was born, I do always notice a slight condescension creep into the voice of my colleagues when I return. And certainly a questioning look of disapproval that I could have even considered not being back in the office on the day after New Year's day let alone actually not be there.

This year, instead of asking how my beloved country is faring in this headline-making dry and fire-driven season - and Lord knows we have asked America enough about their politics or gun laws - I am asked two fatuous questions on my first day back at work:

1. Did you bring back Tim Tams?
2. Do you have quokkas as pets? Apparently they are the happiest animals in the world!

How am I supposed to answer this second question? Yes! They sleep at the end of my bed in a basket! Just like there are kangaroos hopping down main street! I couldn't believe this was even a serious conversation until sure enough, I see The Huffington Post - which I have always applauded for interesting journalism up until now - wasted a whole article on informing the American people of a rarely mentioned or seen Australian marsupial who is apparently, the happiest animal in the world. This lovable creature has now replaced our other furry mascot, the koala, as the cutest thing in the world for Americans.

No wonder we aren't taken seriously. What with a PM like Julia Gillard - who is just a running joke here and at home - the media covering our "adorable" furry animals and inedible food outside of Oz such as Vegemite, it's hard to position ourselves as a cultural or economic world leader. Instead, I just get, "You Aussies, you're so funny!" But when we do crack a joke, they rarely get it! Maybe we're just funny weird instead of funny ha ha. 

Which brings me back to my original question. What is there not to get about us? Perhaps it's our laconic attitude to life that alot of career-driven Americans aspire to adopt but can't because of the relentless pressure to get into an ivy league college and then get paid millions before you can afford to send your own privately-educated kids to the next generation of unaffordable ivy league college and so on. Or maybe they are just completely baffled by us; our customs, attitudes, humour etc so it's easier to treat us like a joke rather than try and understand us in order to take us seriously. It certainly doesn't help when you see Warney turn from a great Aussie sporting icon into an over-tanned, primped and emasculated handbag. However, in the interest of spreading the positive things about Australia, I will continue to fly our flag proudly and try and educate my colleagues about elements other than quokkas and Tim Tams. 

I can only hope my 2013 will get better.

image: white gadget, huffington post

"You Say Tomato, I Say......."

Language is a wonderful thing, isn't it? I almost wish I had studied phonetics and of the history of the English language. This desire was prompted by my reading of a recent survey in the Economist about the "Americanization of English". I started thinking about the language barriers that exist between Americans and Aussies living here. I know that seems odd given we all speak “English," but I have been in plenty of meetings where I say something that I don't think is anything other than english and am faced with completely uncomprehending stares. 


For example, did you know that Aussies pack a picnic in a hamper, but when I suggested this as a holiday gift for editors, the American members of the meeting blanched. Apparently here, a hamper is what you put your dirty laundry in! 

And when I talked about “bits ‘n bobs," the meeting positively turned into riotous laughter, followed by a necessary explanation from myself. I am pleased to say I was later exonerated on this one, when with much excitement, my colleague called me to say she had just heard a TV morning show 'anchor ' (a word we definitely don’t use in Oz unless referring to boats) had used the same phrase. And never say you will check your “diary” when planning a meeting. Here they think you are about to reveal your deepest, darkest personal secrets. 

Pronunciation is also a bone of contention. Since when has aluMINium been ALUMinum? And is there conTROVersy or CONTRAversy? I must admit I now look at my “skedule” instead of my schedule and have learnt to roll my r's.  This was prompted by an incident when I first arrived in New York. I asked a “store” assistant in my clearest english where the butter was. They sent me to the pasta pantry. Like water, apparently both words have a d in the middle not a t and end in errrrrrrr. However “erbs” for me will forever have an 'h' at the beginning.

No, in order to be understood here, you really do have to alter your language, but this then causes groans from those back in Australia. A girlfriend implored me to stop calling autumn “fall” and my brother was horrified when I suggested he "reach out" to a friend rather than call. I now wear flip flops on my feet and thongs as underwear. I take vacations instead of holidays, the elevator not the lift and "savor," "flavor" and "color" in my written language (but that is probably because of my american spell check more than anything). I cook with cilantro not coriander and unfortunately wear a sweater instead of a jumper. But I will never, ever, wear "panties." And if any man ever asks me to take these off, he will be promptly banished from my sight. One of the better things about going out with an older South African. He just takes them off rather than referring to them at all!

Tips from Tourists

You may remember I wrote HERE about New Yorkers' pet peeves with tourists. Well, now the tourists hit back.

Jen Carlson of Gothamist graciously went out on the street and interviewed some Manhattan visitors to see what they had to say about this rare city species. Selection below:

• Don't walk so fast!
• Don't roll your eyes when I pronounce Houston Street like Houston Texas
• At least make eye contact while clinking glasses
• Stop talking about how you live in the greatest city in the world. We get it
• Don't say I'm stupid for calling the subways by colors
• Don't cycle so fast in the bike lane on Brooklyn Bridge while I am trying to look at the skyline
• Tell me where to buy counterfeit purses!

image: phonked

infomercials

If you read my post here, you would know that I am obsessed with American infomercials. I almost want to have a sleepless night so I can sit in front of the TV at 3am and watch the endless stream of products that will change my life. They fascinate me. The middle-of-the-early-morning TV sells me things I didn't even know I wanted, but I suddenly I realize my life is incomplete without them.  And I want to buy everything.

Tonight my toe pain kept me up at the perfect hour. And the product lineup was riveting. Take a look:

ANIMAL OFF
Sick of raccoons, deer and rodents getting into your garbage, garden and garage? Then try this solar powered, high frequency ultrasonic sound wizard, that "sends pests scurrying for safety," whilst not being audible to humans. This is brilliant! You can stick it on a tree or the side of the garage or use a matching pole that it comes with. No more smelly fertilizing things thrown over the plants to keep animals out and no more running out of the house brandishing a long object. Animal Off is all yours for the bargain price of $19.95 (RRP is $29.95.) I really wish I had a house for this one.

SHAKE WEIGHT

The easy workout that give you fabulous arms and shoulders in just 6 minutes! How can I really believe this? But I do. And I purchase it for $19.95. PLUS, they upgrade me to the "There's more!" Shake Weight Deluxe, which includes a 3-in-1 DVD featuring Brazilian Booty and Latin Dance workouts. Yippee! 

KINOKI FOOT PADS

This one is a ripper. These Japanese detox foot pads literally suck out the toxins from your body while you're sleeping! You simply place the pads on the sole of your feet before going to bed and voila! You wake up feeling as refreshed and healthy as if you had just done the 16 day Master Cleanse. Each pad is full of japanese detox knowhow like rare woods and herbs, and when you peel the pads off in the morning, apparently you see all the yucky poisons that have left your body. Too good to resist? It was for me.  I'm a sucker for anything herbal. $9.99.

GONE IN 60 SECONDS

OK. Because I know this industry, I was particularly skeptical of a claim that says you can get rid of eye puffiness and wrinkles in 60 seconds. But if the "live" videos were to be believed, this incredibly ugly woman lost the most enormous luggage she was heaving around, literally in 60 seconds. This "miracle" instant wrinkle eraser serum claims to erase fine lines and wrinkles, smooth bags and eye puffiness and a plethora of other things in one minute. I didn't succumb to the very persuasive product person, but it was alot of fun to see the woman "lose" her bags while you were watching.

images: my lot, shake weight women,  alternative health products, olx, 

Law & Order in the City

One of the fun things about living here is you can literally turn a street corner and end up on set of some fab TV series! That happened to me last night. I suddenly found myself as one of many onlookers staring at Vince D'Onforio's blurry silhouette in a car scene. Gotta love it......

What the Wind Blew Where

I love these heartening real life stories. I'm sure you've all read and seen the devastation from the tornadoes that have been sweeping through the South. People have not only lost houses and family, but also every photo, journal, letter , etc. Imagine having no record of your life left. It's like that game we used to play, "If there was a fire in your house, what are the three things you would take with you?" Everyone always said photos. But in these storms, people literally had their hands full trying to hold onto something concrete to stop themselves from being blown up and away.

So it gave me a renewed hope in humanity when I read in this weekend's NY Times that a woman has started a Facebook page where people can post images of documents, photos etc that the storm dropped in their backyards from hundreds of miles away. Aptly named "Pictures and Documents found after the April 27, 2011 Tornadoes," the site now serves not only as a cyber lost and found pound, but also a meeting ground for strangers, a place where people offer condolences and a money raising hub.

The idea came to the initiator of the site when she found storm items in her garden. Apparently, already people from Alabama have been reunited with high school diplomas found in Mississippi, photos from Tennessee have made their way back from Alabama and a handmade quilt was even reunited with its owner. Photos are carefully pieced back together,  new friendships are blossoming and most importantly, storm survivors are getting a little piece of their dignity and lives back. As you so often hear in this country, "God Bless America." And this time, I really mean it.

images: all courtesy of the new york times

Practical Reasons to Love New York

Have I banged on alot about why I love living here? Cant' remember, but a couple of incidents this morning prompted me to write a list of 10 practical reasons why I adore living here. Some of these reasons apply to the US in general, but here goes:

• When you call the New York Times, instead of being put on hold if there is wait, you can leave your phone number and they will call you back when your place in the queue comes up. My call came in less than 5 minutes
• The department stores and most other stores give full refunds even on sale items. That means there is absolutely no excuse for wardrobe mistakes. The salesperson at Lanvin (ok, the only reason I was able to shop there was because there were price reductions of up to 75%) told me how a good customer brought back a dress 4 seasons old. You have to admit that is taking serious liberties.
• If you log onto delivery.com, you can have anything you dream of delivered to your front door in an hour. Try tampons, tulips or Timberwolf dog food!
• opentable.com allows you to reserve even the most prestigious table in Manhattan without having to ring around to all the individual restaurants to find a table.
• All online purchases arrive at your door with complimentary return shipping. Ralph Lauren arrives in a heavenly dark navy gift box with gold foil lettering and grosgrain ribbon!
• With the ease of a magnetic card, Zipcar lets you rent a car where you want, when you want. So if I suddenly decide I want to drive to the country at 11pm at night, all I need to do is make an online reservation and then pick up my car from the location around the corner with a swipe of the card.
• The subway runs 24 hours a day.
• Duane Reade is also open 24 hours a day and is found on every corner, so you are never out of flu medicine, midnight snacks or toilet paper.
• Netflix means no ugly DVR on your TV console. Instead, you can stream all your favorite films straight to your computer or TV for as little as $9 a month
• Doormen. The rest is self explanatory. Wish I'd met mine earlier in life.

What does all this add up to? Making life easier. And goodness knows, we all need that!

Mile High Shopping

My plane was delayed on the tarmac in Palm Beach the other day, so I decided to pass the time by flipping through the In Flight shopping catalogue, Sky Mall.

Now, for all of you who have flown anywhere in the world, you would know that most in flight catalogues are full of the standard duty free items such as fragrances, makeup and alcohol. But not in America. This catalogue was full of the most fabulous, ludicrous and extraordinary things you could possibly imagine! Americans are renowned for being the most voracious consumers on this planet and now I can understand why. Here were things I never knew I needed!  A computer mouse in the shape of your favorite racing car, a dog genealogy kit, a Nano-UV disinfection scanner to rid your house of e-coli and dust mites, floor mats to encourage leg circulation, temperature regulating sheets, shower heads that you can travel with, a pop-up photo studio and a pet ramp-cum-staircase.

I have become obsessed with the late night TV infomercials since living here, but this catalogue is now my new best friend. Here are some of my favorite offerings:

An ottoman that easily folds into a bed. 

No more hauling a bulky inflatable mattress out of the basement. This handy piece of furniture can rest your legs in the living room during the day and your house guests at night. Comes in four fashionable microsuede colors with a comfy polyfoam mattress.

Faux Ivy Trellis.

This 6 foot long faux trellis may help bring out the Romeo in your Stan. No growing time needed. He can zip up that trellis to your bedroom the same day you install it.

"The Zombie of Montclaire Moors" Statue.

Want to scare your neighbors? Why not install this zombie in your front yard. Apparently his finish is so realistic, "You'll swear you'll hear him groaning"!

iRestore Hair Laser

Do you wish you looked like this man? Now you can, with the world's first hands-free home use laser hair therapy. Use it when watching the footy, checking emails or even brushing your teeth. It comes with an adjustable laser dome for full scalp coverage and will ensure you never look like the bald headed eagle again.

SkyRest

Why bother traveling with a neck pillow when you can face plant onto a wedge shaped pillow! Sitting snugly on your tray table when inflated, it folds into an easy to pack size when defalted.

Hidden Litter Box

For those of you with cats, throw out that ugly litter tray and install a faux terracotta pot that houses a concealed litter box. Complete with artificial decorator plant.

Really, those budding inventors have been having a field day. Offering shopping like you've never seen before, the range of choices is extraordinary. Apparently this in flight catalogue has a cult following. Now wonder. I'm now a convert. I implore you to discover the endless treasures inside Sky Mall. It's worth getting delayed just to have the time to browse and have a laugh.

Images: courtesy of sky mall.

"A Shore Thing"

Love it or hate it, living here you can't get away from Jersey Shore. In fact, apparently it has "blown up" in Africa, Australia and the UK to name a few other devoted countries. "Snooki", Mike "The Situation", Vinny and other cast members have blasted their way into our lives and our living rooms and - God forbid - the front row of certain fashion shows, for the past year. Their antics fill the tabloids and the blogosphere, their language has entered the vernacular - badonk, guidettes and juiced-up - and now, in case you just can't get enough, there is a book by Snooki herself, to add to your book shelf.

A Shore Thing is a thinly veiled novel following the lives of friends and cousins Gia Spumanti and Bella Rizzoli - aka Snooki and J-WOWW - as they fill in life's hours on the Jersey Shore. And as expected, the airwaves are buzzing with Snooki-isms as she gets interviewed by Dave Letterman,  The Today Show, Jimmy Kimmel, Access Hollywood....the list is endless. I am not really sure if that says more about Snooki or the state of American talk shows.

But you have to hand it to the pint-sized guidette. She is now a huge household name, has a jewelry line, slippers range and a book, and plans on continuing to build the Snooki brand. For a 4'9" nobody, she has certainly taken that famous Warhol quote to heart and blown out her fame to well over 15 minutes.

images:  ny daily news, oh the scandal